His grace is new everyday

The last seven months have been a true test. I have felt myself lose hope...trickling out of me slowly, but surely. My fiance, Chris, and I moved to New York at the beginning of this year (as my earlier post had alluded to) and, in short, it has not been an easy transition. I've struggled with missing friends and family, maintaining excitement over our impending wedding (the marriage is exciting to me, not the idea of having to host 150 people at a reception), feeling disappointment in my career, and impatience toward...well, everything.

BUT, the good news is, I think I've finally snapped out of it! I spent some time yesterday reading blog posts on motivation, inspiration and passion. One of the posts suggested that I ask myself these three questions:

1. If I didn't care what anyone thought, I would... 
2. If I knew that my parents would never find out, I'd...
3. If I could be sure that I'd do it right [and be successful], I would...

So I did. If I truly didn't care what anyone thought, I would cancel our wedding (even though we sent out our save the dates two weeks ago!). If I knew my parents would never find out, I'd quit my job. Immediately. If I could be sure that I would do it right, I would pursue a career in writing and editing. 

I'm sure you're wondering right now if my mom back in Minnesota is calling all of our relatives to let them know that the wedding is off. She's not. And I'm not either. The wedding is still on. I'm not really sure what the author's intended the outcome to be for readers, but I know that for me it gave me an opportunity to put my thoughts on paper. And to remind myself that these are selfish desires. And to see that my career aspirations are consistent with what they were years ago, and that maybe that means something. I won't be quitting my job anytime soon, but the realization that I have a passion for writing gives me something to look forward to, to aspire to, to hope for. I had needed this!

And as for the wedding, I love my fiance. I cannot wait to be his wife. And I know that we will look back on our wedding day with fond memories for the rest of our lives. I am not going to let my anxieties about the day ruin it for my fiance, friends and family. Sure, I will be taking a big step outside of my comfort zone on December 21st, 2012. But in the end, it will all be worth it because I'll be married to the most wonderful man that I've ever met. 

Dear Lord, I pray that when I'm faced with life's disappointments, you will help me to focus on You. That I will be reminded of Your grace and find hope in Your promises. 

The Concrete Jungle

I've been told (by my very hip, highly-informed, younger sister) that the title of this post is a nickname for good 'ole New York City...hopefully, this was correct information! Either way though, New York was the location of my most recent adventure. My boyfriend, Chris, and I took a trip to visit his mother in Middletown, NY from May 13th to May 18th. I had always dreamed of visiting New York City, and this vacation was especially exciting as I would be meeting his mother for the first time (eek!). Chris and I have been dating for a year and a half, and thought he has visited his mother a couple of times since we first got together, this was the first opportunity that I had to travel with him.

Along with his mother in Middletown, his grandparents also live nearby in NY. There was a lot of family time and between all of it, we were able to visit the city to see some sights and take some pictures (p.s. this trip could have been a million times better with a little sunshine):

Not only were we going to NY to visit with his family and see the city, but we had also set aside a day while we were there to visit some colleges. Chris' mother has offered to pay for him to finish his Bachelor's degree (2 years worth of classes), if he does so in New York!

We visited two schools near his mom's house in Middletown: Mount Saint Mary's College in Newburgh and State University of New York (SUNY) - New Paltz in, you guessed it...the City of New Paltz. Chris' mom received her Master's degree from New Paltz, and was really excited for him to visit.

Our first stop was Mount Saint Mary's and we both were so impressed! It is a small, private college in a small town off the thruway. The campus is adorable with beautiful landscaping and excellent facilities. They also offer an accelerated adult program for some programs of study (including Chris' intended major of Human Services) that will allow Chris to take 1 to 2 classes every 6 weeks at night, rather than needing to concentrate on 4-5 classes for the full 16 week semester. Because he is 25 years old, he can receive a discount on tuition which makes Mount Saint Mary's just as economical as SUNY New Paltz's out-of-state tuition. Also, because it's a smaller school, Chris can get as much help and support as he needs to be successful. Everything at this school seemed to be a great fit for Chris (although he likes to tell everyone how "we" loved it and it's perfect for "us" <3), and it was tough to get motivated to even visit New Paltz. However, in the interest of keeping EVERYONE happy, we dragged ourselves another 25 minutes from Chris' mom's house for our second campus visit.

We arrived at New Paltz and all of our original assumptions were confirmed - it was a standard state school. The campus lacked personality and the school's welcome staff did not even attempt to impress, but rather made it clear that they didn't really need our tuition money. We picked up some brochures and left, wasting minimal time (and parking fees!).

This was a great day. I had never seen Chris even remotely excited about the idea of going back to school until we visited Mount Saint Mary's. He will be applying to both schools, though I think you know which school we are hoping he is able to attend! We both have a number of weddings to attend over the next few months and it isn't really feasible for us to move to NY anytime soon, so he will be applying for Spring 2012. He would like to apply TODAY if he could, but we are not sure if they are accepting applications and make admission decisions this early on. Both schools accept applications for Spring semester until December 1, 2011, so we are worried that he could apply now and his application may just sit until this Fall....clearly, we have some calls to make :-)

We had been talking about this opportunity for the last 6 months or so, but now it's starting to feel real. At times, I fear the excitement that I've felt all along at the thought of moving to NY with the love of my life will be edged out by my nerves... Given my difficulty in controlling my emotions, Chris may have plenty of opportunities to prove his love for me in the coming months.

Honestly though, I think this is an incredible opportunity for Chris and I'm so excited to experience something new with him!

I do not consider myself to be cultured or informed.

So, my brother, along with his wife and child are moving to South Korea on Wednesday. Yep...like a week from yesterday. The thing is, no matter how many times I think about it, speak about it, or cry about it, it just does not seem real.

Anyhow, this fairly recent development has caused me to consider how truly isolated I am. I live in SUCH an incredibly small bubble and my lack of interest in the things happening around me has my bubble shrinking at an alarming rate! I have always considered global affairs to be boring and unimpactful. Suddenly, it seems exciting, impactful, relevant, etc. November resolution #1: catch up on world affairs and set up some Google alerts for South Korean government, culture, religion, and heck, even weather!

In the interest of complete transparency, I want to be clear that this blog post is not meant as a discussion of all of the awful/shocking/sometimes wonderful things happening in other parts of the world. Instead, this post is solely devoted to bragging about my wonderful brother and sister-in-law (not to mention my adorable 9-month-old nephew!).

My brother is taking his family across the world to serve as youth pastor of the English ministry at Songton Central Baptist Church. They have an incredible gift of loving people and will serve the Lord with their gift in South Korea. They are the kind of individuals who have an impact on everyone they meet. People remember them for their kindness, sincerity, empathy, willingness to help and complete, genuine, immovable love for God. I have been blessed to have been raised in a Christian family and have a multitude of people that I can go to for prayer and encouragement. Steve and Sarah have been a constant, Godly presence in my life and I will miss them deeply. Please pray for them as they leave behind their friends and family!

...wow, it has been a long time...

To be honest, I've been really wrapped up in myself lately. Which I've realized comes with very little self-reflection. And then today, while I was making my monthly attempt to get my life together (which involves a fairly large number of inexplicably long google docs), I came upon my picasa photos, and then linked to this blog. Which, as you may have guessed, I unsuccessfully attempted when I was a young 23 years of age. I am now almost 25. I say almost because I think it's a very important word, especially when discussing a 25th birthday.

So, I am very happy to have stumbled upon my blog and most importantly the other blogs that used to inspire me daily!

A lot has (obviously) changed since my last post and I am excited to update everyone! But FIRST, I'm going to take some time to catch up on the trials, tribulations and, most importantly, successes of my favorite bloggers. Talk to you all soon!

growing pains

not that long ago i was feeling extremely optimistic. i was incredibly aware of all the blessings that God has given me. i felt extremely content with where i am at in life & the people that are there with me. i had complete faith that everything that was inexplicable incomplete would be completed in time with the Lord's guidance.

and now i'm frustrated. i have lost sight of the amazing family and friends that bless me daily. i resent my job, even though there are so many people without one right now. i am envious of people my age who i feel have accomplished more than i have & moved on to new chapters in life, leaving me behind.

and now i am taking it upon myself to set my thoughts & priorities straight. i am blessed beyond belief. the Lord does have a plan for me and although patience has never been a strength of mine, everything will happen in its own time. i'm convinced that optimism and hopefulness can be forced :-)

SNOW DAY!!!

Yay for freezing rain! Ha, snow day--from work :-) I'm pretty excited to be home, even if it is just because my slacker boss didn't want to be in the office herself. Excited to not deal with traffic tonight. But scraping my windows tomorrow will not be enjoyable. Either way, I feel extremely content being productive while sitting on my couch, in my pajamas, drinking vanilla biscotti coffee, and listening to The Fray's newest cd.

Today is a good day. This week is a good week. No real reason. I started a new Jodi Picoult book last night that I'm pretty excited about, planning to rent "Rachel Getting Married" tonight and looking at apartments for this fall. Looking at apartments, though hardwork, is always fun! Fun to imagine life somewhere new, although I am extremely comfortable right where I am.

I want a puppy. Just like I wanted a blackberry, a laptop, a Northface, a Coach purse. I now have all of those things and my life has not become any more exciting.

Damnit I just ruined my nailpolish.

Anyway, a puppy really would make life more exciting! More difficult, mind you. But exciting. However, I always saw myself with a boyfriend who would buy the puppy for me. Ha, and then take care of it as well. Not in that position yet, so it probably wouldn't be as great as I imagine it. Maybe I'll work at the animal shelter this summer instead.

I want to be a writer. Really.

I'm pretty sure that if I could be anything (within reason) I would choose to be a writer. Writers are smart, and creative, and relational. They are experts. On something. A given topic, or writing style, or at understanding the world around them. They are atypical and attentive, noticing microscopic details that are ignored by everyone else. They see meaning where others see nothing, and experience love and sorrow time and time again, at a depth that most won't ever. They are free. Free to think what they want, where they want, when they want. Free to feel. Free to act and react. Free to be.